When I was about 17, I casually mentioned to my mom that I had a feeling I might not be able to have children. My mom is very supportive, so she said something like, “You know, not everyone has to have kids. Whatever you decide to do is okay.” We didn’t think anything of it. It’s just a thought, right? But now I wonder, why did I even say something like that? Back then, I didn’t have any health issues. My periods were normal. Maybe I already knew what was in store for me…
And funny enough, I’ve had thoughts like this before—what if my headache means I have brain cancer or something like that? But that’s always immediately followed by the thought: no, that can’t be—not me. It’s as if some part of me always knew, but I didn’t want to believe it until I had actual proof.
The way we try to find explanations for everything is madness. I always think, “Maybe it’s because of this or that,” blah, blah, blah. Maybe it’s just in your head. We don’t stop and listen to our bodies. We try to make sense of it with our minds.
All of this has made me realise—I, too, am absolutely fucking terrified of life and death. I want to live life to the fullest, but am I actually doing that? Am I truly living up to my full potential? What am I afraid of? Why do I follow other people and their opinions?
Be your own damn self!
With love,
The Human Goddess
Writings of The Human Goddess 